Boundaries: A Matter of Freedom and Life

I find it easier to practice boundaries within the context of spiritual direction than I do the flow of life and responsibilities outside of those relationships. This became clear to me after re-reading Boundaries by psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend [Zondervan, 1992].  Nearly twenty years after first reading this best seller, I still surprise myself some days by being clear and relaxed as a spiritual director, only to lose my sense of groundedness moments later in another setting. What can we learn from spiritual direction relationships that helps us keep practicing boundaries in others?

BoundariesbyCloudTownsend

The Notion of Boundaries

Let's begin by taking a look at what we mean by boundaries. Unlike the physical world, boundaries are not as easily apparent as walls or wire. Even so, they are  just as real in the spiritual world. According to Cloud and Townsend (p. 29-32), boundaries are:

intangible realities that can increase our love and save our lives;what show us where we end and others begin;demonstrations of our responsibility to others and for ourselves; andways to let good in and keep bad out.

Boundaries might be more easily dismissed as selfish or self-serving were it not for the example of the Trinity. Cloud and Townsend suggest that "the concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God. . . . God has boundaries within the Trinity. The Father, the Son, and the Spirit are one, but at the same time they are distinct persons with their own boundaries. Each one has personhood and responsibilities, as well as a connection and love for one another (John 17:24)" (32-33). Who are we, then, in the context of loving relationship? The answer to that question consists of our own unique feelings, attitudes and beliefs, behaviors, choices, values, limits, talents, thoughts, desires, and readiness to give and receive love. "All these areas lie within our boundaries" (48).

When I'm trying to reconnect with my own sense of healthy boundaries, I try to call to mind what I learn through the discipline of serving as a spiritual director. These intimate conversations require careful attention precisely because we are companioning one another into our own sacred spaces with God. In such conversations we tread on holy ground very near another person's boundaries. The journey to this threshold is humbling and demanding, yet there we encounter the mysterious work of the Holy Spirit who teaches us the courage we need to exercise boundaries in other relationships.

Radical Commitment to Freedom in Christ

Above all else, I try as a spiritual director to honor the other's freedom in Christ. The purpose of spiritual direction, as I understand it, is to companion a person in a deepening relationship with Christ. That relationship did not begin and does not end with me. The Spirit was long stirring toward healing and growth and I trust that I have been invited into that holy work for a time. When I can keep my eye focused on the reality that this woman or man and I are each engaged in a unique relationship with God, it becomes easier for me to manage myself in a way that honors their freedom and mine. For example, I wait for the directee to schedule an appointment when he/she is ready; I offer more questions than declarations; I name honestly what I see or hear, while remaining open to the possibility that I may have misinterpreted another's meaning; I seek permission before moving deeper into a potentially difficult conversation; I keep trusting that the Holy Spirit is accomplishing something unseen.

Actively Clarifying Roles and Callings

There is a degree of simplicity to the relationship between a spiritual director and a directee that may not come as easily to other relationships. The focus in spiritual direction is clearly on the directee's relationship with God and the spiritual director is looked to as the helper. I usually see this dynamic being clarified from the earliest conversations with a directee as I affirm the directee's courage in reaching out, as I ask about her/his desires, and as I describe how I am and am not able to be helpful. These conversations are essential because they anchor the ongoing work of clarifying our roles and commitments as the relationship develop over time. They also provide opportunities to practice naming and refining our unique callings. Every time I explain my role as a spiritual director, I am given the chance to sharpen my sense of what I am being called to be and to do in this particular relationship. Directees, for their part, are given the change to listen to their own stories of God-given desire and the unfolding calling they are coming to know more clearly.

Nurturing Trust and Confidentiality

Notions of freedom in Christ and conversations about roles and callings fall flat without a sustaining sense of safety and trust. Even if the idea of confidentiality might be assumed by a new directee, I find it important to name the commitment explicitly--Unless you are a danger to yourself or others, everything you say will be held in confidence. Expressing that sense of sacred security is an early seed of trust that will likely grow over time. Among many possible conversations, I believe spiritual direction can be a place where we practice testing our honesty with ourselves and our God. That happens one small experiment with truth at a time. Can I say this and be heard? Can I say this and still be loved? If we are to go deeper and learn greater vulnerability, we need an appropriate degree of safety. In this way, nurturing trust and confidentiality becomes a mutual endeavor that ripens over time.

Freedom and Life

I would not hasten to argue that we approach the exercise of every boundary as if we were in a spiritual direction setting, but I am convinced that we might benefit from considering how a similar disposition might apply to other decisions and behaviors. Whatever the situation, how are we sheltering  own sense of freedom in Christ, even while we honor that same freedom in another? What have we contributed (or failed to contribute) to our mutual understanding about our roles and expectations? Finally, how am I nurturing the kind of trust that I would most like to enjoy in this relationship? These are not self-serving questions, but signs of being accountable for the freedom and lives which are ours in Christ.

For further reflection . . .

• If not spiritual direction, where do healthy boundaries come most easily to you? What can you learn from that experience?

• On your best days, what does your freedom in Christ make possible?

• What roles in your life seem most ambiguous at the moment and what needs to happen to clarify them?

• Identify one way to nurture trust in a relationship important to you.